Yesterday I wrote the following paragraph: "I had the sad reality this past week of life changing as kids grow up. The kids were on spring break this past week and I did not see or hear from them. This is the third consecutive vacation where they did not request to spend any time with me. I remember a time when they wanted me to spend time with them whether for a few hours or an overnight. I never wanted them to feel obligated to visit (as I did with nearby relatives), but always hoped they would want to spend time. I completely get it - vacations mean sleep and with the weather we had, I don't blame them. It's just that I realized a part of me missed that together time and I'm sad to see them grow up. It's sad to think I'm not viable in their lives at the moment. I'm sure in a few years, it will change again as life moves on. How do you handle life changes?"
I heard from a couple of people that thought I might be using guilt to have the kids visit me. I want to be clear I was NOT trying to use guilt at all. I truly was only commenting on how life changes. I was not criticizing them as I realize their household was a bit under the weather last week. I was trying to write about the ebbs and flows of our circles and the needs of those in the circle. When I look back at what I wrote I see I did not clarify any of that....the things in my head sometimes don't appear well in writing.
Part of the reason I wrote what I wrote is that I remember visiting family members every week and holidays like clockwork. We had to visit them as they were not allowed to visit us in the city. We made a lot of compromises to ensure those visits happened. Most of the time I did not mind, but I remember when I started resenting the visits. Most of the resentment came when I realized the toll the visits took on my mom. There was a lot of stress going on from many directions and she took on the most. I was grateful when I went to work because it included weekends and I did not have to visit any longer. The conundrum is that I am also so grateful for the times we had together in the car, over meals, etc. I know I can't change the past which is why I try so hard to be a person who the kids want to spend time with.
As a friend pointed out, I am not the novelty that I once was in the family. The "auntie" who used to fly in and out of town for special visits. Now I've been here for a long time so they see me fairly regularly. I had not thought of it that way before, but it makes sense.
All I hope is as the kids get older they realize I will be here for them. I may tell it like it is or as I see it, but hopefully we will enjoy time together for conversation, laughter, tears, and lots of hugs. Good Luck to both of them today as they start new jobs - learn well and do the best you can.
Hopefully, the above makes sense. Sometimes it's hard to combine what I write with coaching lessons...LOL! This is it for the special Monday blog. I hope you have a good week. Take care. Marie
"No family is perfect…we argue we fight. We even stop talking to each other at times, but in the end, family is family…the love will always be there." Anonymous
"Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Friend, and Family. All of the words have END in them except for family." Jackie