As I mentioned in my previous post I've been having a very emotional few days. Although I try to put it aside and focus on the present the emotions sneak up on me unexpectedly. Just show me a sad commercial or TV show and I'm a mess. Yesterday, I tried to put a good face on although I spent much of the day worried. My dad did not feel good yesterday and was very woozy at church. You know he's not feeling well when he does not visit mema (sent me instead). He has a couple of appointments with doctors this week so perhaps they'll figure it out.
My nephew said something to me yesterday that resonated in my brain today as it really bothered me. We were sitting in the living room relaxing for a few minutes when he said to me, "auntie is this all you do?" I said, "what do you mean sit here on the couch relaxing? He said in all honesty, "yes". I was devastated that he would think that's all I do. He so hurt my feelings and does not even know he did. I don't even remember how I responded to his question. But all day today his question was in my head as kept thinking is that what everyone thinks - that I sit on the couch and do nothing? I admit I am not a caregiver per se, but there are days when I feel that way. I know I'm not holding down a job at the moment, but I'm trying to keep things moving forward for papa and mema. I deal with the administrators and staff at the nursing home and try to keep things in order for papa. But I guess someone could think I do nothing.
I won't say I'm not frustrated by many things today, but this too shall pass. I know life goes on for everyone, but some times it's damn frustrating. I also can tell I'm frustrated because the dialogue in my head would make a sailor blush. Every curse word I have ever known is floating around and I have to fight to keep my language clean when talking. At least some of the anger has subsided. I know it's important to stay calm (or as I would say professional).
Oh well, enough whining for today. I am grateful for my life and I learn something new every day about myself and others. I hope to use what I learn when I coach others. I hope as I put this out there via the blog, that I'm also helping others as they struggle with issues of life. Take care. Have a good week. Chat soon. Marie
“He who smiles rather than rages is always the stronger.” —Japanese proverb