I am feeling anger today and I'm really trying not to let it impact my blog this week, but I can feel it taking over the other thoughts in my head. For those of you that follow my personal FB page and I have mentioned in the past, there is a "Club" here in the park that is unreal. Well, on Friday I received a letter advising me I was no longer welcome as a member of the group. Although I was expecting it to happen eventually, it still hurts. The letter was poorly written and as many of you know there are two things I will not tolerate: 1) being lied to; and 2) being lied about. This is a bit of both. Also extremely nervy if you ask me, to send me this letter and on the same day drop off papers you want me to deliver door-to-door as street rep...well you know that's not happening. (Should I say that I am the only street rep that normally has any deliveries done within hours of receiving no matter the weather.) I am drafting my response, but taking my time, as common sense and truth must come through and not the anger. Then I will return everything I have. I am not sure if the board expects a response or not, but they will have one for their records. I truly feel that if this board was on the up and up, then they should have been able to respond to the questions I posed (which were all legitimate). (Perhaps some day I'll post the letter I received and the response so you can see how it was handled..a learning tool.) I almost feel like it's a cult and if you don't follow the leader then you are out. Thank goodness I can live here without being a member as it's not a prerequisite. Perhaps I tried to care too much for those here that can not. Phew...now that's out of the way...hopefully!
I don't know about you, but when I feel anger it brings up a lot of unresolved issues from the past. I'm feeling every bit of past hurts and although I have put much to bed knowing I can't change the past, it does not mean that all is resolved. I have only been asked to leave two things in my 60 years that truly stick out: 1) in 2004 I was told to leave a job because although I did the right thing for the customer, I ratted out the wrongdoing of a fellow employee. As I was told by a manager at that time, "you never dime a brother out." I have never forgotten that anger/hurt/humiliation or how long it took me to recover parts of my career. 2) in 2018 this club for asking too many questions. Although the letter says I'm criticizing, critiquing and making derogatory remarks, none of which I have done, if I showed you the questions you would know I'm only asking questions for clarification. It's easier for the leader to end my membership than to answer questions that might show he's not the leader people think he is.
Believe it or not, I just had a quick 10 minute nap. My nights have been a mess with waking up a few times with mom over the past several weeks. Several times over the past couple of weeks, I have been able to lay with my mom in bed, as we did when I was a kid, only now I'm comforting her (or perhaps we are comforting each other). I usually stay until she falls asleep again. Well, this morning I laid there and suddenly jolted as I realized I had fallen asleep. My body must have needed it. I crept out as to not disturb her so she can rest for a couple of more hours. We are on our own today so we both need some rest.
I knew when I took my mom home in March what I was getting into in so many ways. For this reason, I truly try not to complain or whine about anything that happens. I honestly feel that if I did, most people would say, "well, you knew what you were doing." Most of the time I write about what's happening with her in the blog to document what being a caregiver is like for those who may not know. It was not a decision I made in haste, but one I carefully researched and decided to do what I thought was best. Do I have help? Yes, sometimes. But just as many other people out there I can not afford to hire help for many hours every day of the week. The hospice nurse asked me the other day if I wanted respite care? I said no emphatically because it means putting mom back into the nursing home and I promised myself and my angels that I would never put her in again, if at all possible. I have learned to do many things I thought I would never do in my life and that's ok too. I cherish those moments of clarity when she says "thank you" or last night for the first time in a very long time "God Bless You" as we said good night.
I am going to leave it here for today. I'm getting hungry and my coffee is stone cold. I hope you have a wonderful week. Take care. Chat soon. Marie
“From caring comes courage.” — Lao Tzu
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” — Dalai Lama
“After enlightenment, the laundry.” — Buddha